If you live in the US, your SEGA Saturn system is very possibly now two decades old. The announcement of the Saturn’s surprise US release was in May 1995, and what followed was a very rocky and admittedly short lifespan for the console.
However, several great games graced the Saturn during its short stint on US store shelves, and a few of the most iconic have to be those from the Virtua Fighter series. To celebrate both the enduring Virtua Fighter series and the misunderstood Saturn console, I have with me today one of the stars of the Virtua Fighter games from the very beginning. SEGA nerds, please join me in giving a very warm, gooey welcome to Jacky Bryant, martial artist extraordinaire!
Jacky: Hi, Requiem. Thanks for having me.
The Requiem: Wow. Twenty years since the Saturn hit the US market, and Virtua Fighter along with it. Wow. Where does the time go, right?
Jacky: Yep! Twenty years. The Saturn is almost old enough to drink!
The Requiem: Ha! Ha-ha! Yeah. Very true. It’s been quite a long time. Speaking of which… where the heck is Virtua Fighter 6? It’s been eight years since Virtua Fighter 5, after all.
Jacky: Oh, you know how it is. We don’t have anything to announce right now. There’s a lot of logistics involved… Restructuring… you know…
The Requiem: Uh-huh. So… Sarah’s boobs. What’s the polygon count, there?
Jacky: Whah? Excuse me?
The Requiem: How much strain on the Saturn’s dual processors do those two weighty wallops cause?
The Requiem: I guess we should be glad that the Saturn only produced quadrilateral polygons rather than triangular ones, otherwise those perky protrusions of hers would put your eye out, am I right?
Jacky: You realize that you’re talking about my sister?
The Requiem: Of course! Who else would have the straight dope on Sarah Bryant’s mammarial assets?
Jacky: This… This is just… Oh my God…
The Requiem: Come on! Are you telling me that over the entire time of you two growing up, that you never snuck a peek at her in the shower? You never “innocently” stumbled into her room while she was in a revealing state of undress? You never even once “accidentally” bumped into her chest hands-first while swimming at a pool party?
Jacky: No, uh, no…
The Requiem: But now you’re kicking yourself because you realize that those are all damn good ideas, right?
The Requiem: Do you mean “no,” you’re not kicking yourself, or “no,” they’re not damn good ideas? You gotta be clear here, I mean, for God’s sake, this is a professional interview…
Jacky: Neither! I’m leaving if we don’t talk about something else.
The Requiem: Gettin’ antsy? You look uncomfortable.
Jacky: Can we just talk about Virtua Fighter’s influence, or maybe the development of Virtua Fighter as a series?
The Requiem: Excellent idea! We’re going off script, folks! Yes. Let’s talk about development. It’s really amazing, how the Virtua Fighter series has grown and progressed, especially graphically. Take, oh, I don’t know, Sarah Bryant’s original character model…
The Requiem: In the original game, she was still a blossoming flower, with her feminine features barely distinct.
The Requiem: But as time went on, and as polygon counts continued growing and swelling…
The Requiem: Sarah really came into her own as a deadly yet voluptuous vixen…
The Requiem: What? I’m just marveling over the amazing polygonal expansion in the more modern Virtua Fighter games.
Jacky: Stop talking about my sister’s tits before I kick your juvenile ass back to Foot Soldier reject camp, or wherever you came from!
The Requiem: Touched a nerve, eh? Let’s drop the polygon talk, change gears a bit, and instead touch on textures. I mean, there’s some killer detail in Virtua Fighter 5. In the original, all of Sarah’s skin was flat and without definition. These days, though, you can make out every flirty freckle, stare lustfully at the glean of light reflecting from her lips, and watch tantalizingly as even the smallest drip of sweat trickles down Sarah’s cheek, slides down under her chin onto her neck, and slowly slips past the notch of her clavicle and disappears into her fabric…
Jacky: Oh God…
The Requiem: It doesn’t take much, does it? Not much at all, to imagine that drop of sweat making it all the way down… you know what I mean… where there is now so much detail, you could even make out those light, feint, naughty stretch marks just around her areola… Makes you “wanna run home to momma now…”
Jacky: Okay! Dammit! I did it! I f*&ked my sister, okay? I don’t know how you found out, but I f*&king did it!
The Requiem: And…?
Jacky: And… and we had a love child named Timothy. We call him Tiny Tim, okay? Damn you, Requiem! Damn your keen, journalistic instincts!
The Requiem: AND…!?!?!
Jacky: And the reason… the reason there hasn’t been a Virtua Fighter 6 is because Sarah and I have been taking time off to raise Tiny Tim. He… he’s a special needs child! He’s… he’s a bit developmentally stunted, of course, but… but we still love him, dammit! (*Sobbing like a little bitch*)
The Requiem: See? That wasn’t so hard, right? Feels good to let it all out in the open, doesn’t it?
Jacky: Yeah. Yeah, it kinda does. (*Sniffs*)
The Requiem: Great! You know, for the record, I would have done the same thing if given the opportunity…
Jacky: Really? You mean you would have f*&ked your sister, too?
The Requiem: What? Hell no! I would have f*&ked Sarah if I had the chance. Having sex with your own sister is f*&king gross, dude! Jesus Christ, what the hell is wrong with you?
Jacky: Sarah! Saraaaaaah! (*Runs away crying*)
The Requiem: Well, that about wraps things up here, nerds-
Voice: Not so fast, Requiem, we need to talk…
The Requiem: Hey everyone! Look who it is! It’s our esteemed editor-in-chief here at SEGA Nerds, Chris Powell himself! What’s up, boss?
Chris: Look Requiem, you know that I’m a fan of your sense of humor right?
The Requiem: Yep.
Chris: Well, I think this interview today, well, I don’t think that it reflects the high standards we try to espouse here on SEGA Nerds, do you understand.
The Requiem: Totally.
Chris: I mean, other than a few mentions of polygon shapes and dual processors, there was almost no value in this interview except for the same tired, childish gags? Am I being clear?
The Requiem: Crystal clear, boss.
Chris: Maybe most importantly, we need to remember that, even though we’re a fan site, we still should reflect all of the pride and care that SEGA themselves takes in promoting itself and its respected franchises. I don’t think SEGA would ever stoop to such a sexually exploitative low to market their games, and we should respect that. Don’t you think?
The Requiem: Absolutely.
Chris: …I feel like you’re being a “yes man” and that you’re not really listening to me. You… This is hard to say…. You really are hanging on by a thread here at SEGA Nerds. You seem to have forgotten the impeccable fan site standards we set for ourselves here. You need to say something right now that proves to me that you understand.
The Requiem: Sure! We should respect SEGA and their properties in the exact same way that they do and have done, historically.
Chris: Yes…. yes. That’s all I want. Good. Will you have that Shinobi Legions review on my desk tomorrow?
The Requiem: Nope!
Chris: Right, okay. Right. Good talk, I guess. Remember, SEGA sets our standards, right?
The Requiem: Oh, undoubtedly, boss!
Happy 20th, SEGA Saturn!
*Artwork by HeroineAddict from his Deviant Art page.
**Artwork by HentaiAhegaoLover on his (?) Deviant Art page.