An Aliens: Colonial Marines Update from Randy Pitchford

The Requiem September 4, 2014

1 682 2 minutes read

Author’s Note: Hey guys. The Requiem here. I’m sorry we’re a little late in getting this news out. Randy Pitchford reached out to me with an audio update, but after listening to it, I realized that he was clearly a bit… inebriated… when he recorded it. So I asked him if he was sure this was the story that he wanted to post, and he threatened me with a “righteous potato-raping” if I didn’t post it verbatim. So, in the interest of never knowing what exactly a “potato-raping” is (I have a pretty good idea), here’s Randy. -R

Hey guys! It’s me, Randy Pitchford! King Randy! King! King! (*Sniff!*)

So. SEGA’s got a problem with the King!? What the fuuuck-cack-cack-cack-cack-cakkk is that all about? (*sniff!*)

colonial_marines_update_randy_pitchford_04_sep_games — Watch your king sit on his throne and wash his balls with a bunch of awesome games… and “The World is Not Enough”

They’re telling the king that he was bad! (*sniff!*) They’re telling the mother fucking KING!- that King Randy had a part in misleading people about Aliens: Colonial Marines! Double-you, teeeeee, eff, bitches?

SEGA has already agreed to pay $1.25 million in a settlement of a class-action suit (*snort!*) which alleges that Colonial Marines was falsely advertised. Stooooopid! Now SEGA wants my kingdom of Gearbox to take responsibility, too, and to pay money out of our pockets? What? Just because we developed the fucking game? (*sniff!*) And because we provided all of the promotional materials to SEGA for the ad campaign!? Bull-shit! Bull-shit, SEGA! I thought we was friends! Your bull-shit sucks and everyone knows it! King Randy knows it! We’re responsible for a game that WE made? A game we spent SIX YEARS on? Oh, I’m sorry SEGA, I can’t hear you over the wads of your cash stuffed in my royal ears!

We’re not paying those fucking plebeians a fucking farthing of King Randy’s riches! (*sniff!*) My REAL friends at Gearbox are like gods now. We’re like… like fucking gods. Like Borderlands gods who eat pre-order money with every meal and shit our pants every goddamn day! Every day! I’ve shit my pants today like six times! Oh, fuuuuucck! Make that seven! The king’s lucky seven!

We at Gearbox were contractors, SEGA. You can’t do this to King Randy, King of the Gearbox and Borderlands! You know what they had the nerve to fucking say after I leaked a bunch of game details at a panel and said a bunch of shit that they didn’t aaapppprrrrooovve? They said “Effectively- it’s Randy doing whatever the fuck he likes.” That’s King Randy, you fucks! Of course I do what I want! And I wipe my shitty ass with your money, SEGA! You’re like America and I’m all like Pakistan- taking your money for years to fight terrorism in the Federally Administered Tribal Areas when all I was really worried about was India! Borderlands is India you stooooopid fucks! And your shitty Aliens game is tribal as all shitty shit! Hold on… (*Snoooorrrrt!*)

SEGA. Fuck! You say you paid us advance royalties and you want them back? (*sniff!*) Fuck you! You and your fucking bull-shit! Off with your heads! King Randy demands it! I demand Sonic’s head on my nuts right now- Sniffing my shit-flooded pants!